40s Singleness-Dating in Your 40s

So I've been promising you that soon I would announce the new site and the new partner and the day has finally come!
Today is the official launch of 20-forty.com! 20-forty is the new brainchild of yours truly and my beautiful eldest daughter, Kira. That's right. Kira is the new partner.

You've read a couple of her guest posts here on 40s Singleness and now you will get to read even more of her wonderful writing on a regular basis. How frickin' cool is that?!

20-forty.com is our new home where we offer relationship advice because well, love isn’t always 20/20. 20-forty.com will provide a unique perspective on dating and relationships. That’s because we'll offer an ageless perspective on love. Lisaq, as you know, writes from the perspective of a 40something woman who’s been there, done that and bought the T-shirt in the dating and relationship game, while Kira is a 20something with a very different outlook.

We are a mother-daughter team on a mission to prove that relationship advice isn’t “one size fits all.” Love, relationships and even breakups are all unique and the keys to getting through it all are equally as unique. The one thing that holds true for all of us is that, to an extent, we control the direction our lives take. We are given paths and the opportunity to take whichever path we choose. If we choose the wrong path, it is up to us to take a lesson from our mistakes and move on. After all, as I said, love isn’t always 20/20.

Our topics and categories will include dating and relationships, living single, behind closed doors (sex & intimacy), and break up & divorce. All from a unique age related perspective. There’s something for everyone at 20-forty.com!

And don't panic! The spirit and tradition of 40s Singleness is alive and well at 20-forty.com. It will not go away. It has just grown up and moved into a new home. I have been very blessed to have you as readers. Relationships and friendships have grown here and I look forward to continuing them.

So visit us often at 20-forty.com. Don't forget to update your links and bookmarks!

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When I read Part I of Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl, I had a lot of light bulb moments. There were many ‘aha’s’ and more tears. I saw myself in much of what I read and the men in my past in even more of it.

I recognized that I was indeed a Fallback Girl and, therefore, emotionally unavailable myself. I’ll be honest enough to tell you that it was a difficult, but life changing time for me.

I had spent time on my journey already making changes and taking time to fall in love with myself. I had been to counseling and realized the impact my past and my mom have had on my present. But it truly was not until I discovered NML’s Baggage Reclaim and began reading her book that I figured out just how much work there was still to do.

One of the things that I love about NML and her work is that she doesn’t pull any punches. She puts it all out there and doesn’t coddle and some of us need that tough love. I need that tough love. Maybe you need it too.

In Part 2 tough love is definitely on the menu. I got to meet myself, the Fallback Girl, in vivid detail. If I had any doubt before, the illusions were stripped away and left me without any doubt.

The Fallback Girl in All Her Glory

One of the things that you need to know first is that she’s as emotionally unavailable as Mr. Unavailable. It’s one of the reasons she attracts him. They are both commitment phobic and, though different things may drive them, they both have issues and baggage to overcome.

In the case of the Fallback Girl, she has low self-esteem and self worth. She probably believes herself not good enough or not deserving of love and relationship with a healthy man. Sound like anyone you know?

NML says this about the Fallback Girl:

There are three things that are driving everything that you do and they’re your low self-esteem, your trust, and your fears. Being with Mr. Unavailable and any man for that matter that helps to keep you in a cycle of negativity is about pursuing men and relationships that reflect the negative things that you believe about yourself.

Old beliefs of not being good enough, of not being loveable and worthy will trip you up every time. And, if you don’t deal with them, you’ll continue to attract EUMs and wonder why you just can’t meet a nice guy.

The Fallback Girl by Category

There are 5 categories of Fallback Girls. They are:

The Yo Yo Girl
Meet yours truly. When I was reading this section, I kept thinking “Whoa. This is me. This is me.” Sure enough, next thing I knew there was one of my quotes. Yep. This is me.

The Yo Yo Girl is the girl who keeps letting Mr. Unavailable pull her in and push her away on a regular basis. She attracts the Bad Penny and lets him leave and re-enter her life. He’ll go away for awhile and the turn up like the Bad Penny he is, and she lets him right back in.

The Other Woman
The OW is that Fallback Girl that is involved with assclowns who are cheating on their wives or girlfriends. She suffers immensely from Second Best Syndrome and knows that, someday, he really will leave his wife for her. Except that, of course, he never does.

She believes that she is not good enough to be number one in his life and may play second best in other areas of her life as well.

The Fixers and Healers
These include both The Renovator and Florence Nightengale. These are the Fallback Girls who are trying to turn a pig’s ear into silk. They attract men they aren’t really interested in and try to make him the perfect man.

This can mean anything from changing his hair and his style to trying to cure his addictions. Meet assclown #3. This obviously tells you that I also fit into the Fixers and Healers category. Of course, as we have seen, that didn’t quite work out for me, did it?

The Flogger
Ah, The Flogger. This is the girl who’s going to beat a dead horse until she finally gets what she wants. An engagement ring, him moving in, or a baby. Whatever means the relationship is moving to the next level. Except that it never does and she just keeps flogging away.

He’ll never give her what she wants and what she thinks she needs because he knows she’ll stick around regardless.


The Over-Giver
This Fallback Girl gives and gives and gives and is always disappointed that doesn’t receive in return. She believes in tit for tat and can’t understand why she is doing all of the giving and Mr. Unavailable is doing all of the receiving.

Over-Givers are the queen of the second guessers. They never just sit back and wait to see if someone will give to them. Their insecurities lead them to believe that the only way people will give to them is if they lead by example. They are sure that people won’t be around them if they don’t give, give, give. They are “yes” girls. You won’t find them telling him, or anyone else, “No."

The Bottom Line

If you see yourself even a little bit in any of these girls, you have to stop now. Download Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and start figuring why you do what you do and how to clear old beliefs. You won’t attract a healthy, emotionally available man until you do. Period.

NML says:

Therefore, when you continually draw to yourself a certain type of relationship, when you notice a pattern in your life's behaviour and when you repeatedly find yourself dealing with the same issues, you will know that the "trouble" lies within you...and not with the other person...When this discovery is made, it is then possible to have conscious relationships. Rather than reacting to what happens around you, it is possible to look within yourself and discover what part of you has been "feeding” the situation.

You have to get real. You have to get honest. You have to understand that even though the men in your life probably were Mr. Unavailables, you were the “only recurring character in each relationship.”

This book is supposed to give you many Epiphany Moments to connect with and help you have your Epiphany Relationship because there really is no escaping the truth of these relationships.

And it will do that if you give it half a chance. It will be the ammunition you need to become aware of your triggers and to begin to get healthy.

More to Come

In Part 3, NML discusses how to get healthy and how to spot red flags and move onto healthy relationships with emotionally available men. As this has already become a million miles long, look for more from Part 3 tomorrow on 20-forty.com.

There are also some things that NML discusses about communication and assumptions that are worth discussing in detail. Look for those next week on 20-forty.com.

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This one's for SheComesFirst!

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I had every intention of posting a review of Mr. Unavailable & The Fallback Girl today, but my daughter was in a very bad car accident on Saturday afternoon. I had to rush back to Wichita after being home from there less than an hour and spent the rest of Saturday, all of Sunday and yesterday morning taking care of that.

As a result, I didn't get have an opportunity to finish reading the fabulous book or get the review written. I promise to have it done and the review posted Thursday so be sure to tune in then.

For those of you who have sent well wishes to Kaci, thank you. She is healing and recovering. The car is dead, but the girl is okay which is something to very grateful for as you can see from the picture of the car.

Hugs to all of you!

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Not sure how the first date went? Feel like maybe it was good, but you're just not sure? What better way to take a little quiz to judge how it went.


Try Paige Parker's Dating Without Drama first date quiz. It's pretty quick and easy and will give you a pretty clear picture how the date went from your perspective.

Jot down the answer that best applies to your date:

1. When the date began, you were...

a) Excited to see him; looking forward to the night
ahead.

b) Nervous and anxious, but in a good way.

c) Calm, cool and collected... come to think of it,
maybe a little TOO calm.

d) Wondering why you agreed to go out with him in the
first place and antsy to get the heck outta there.


2. Let's talk appearance. How did your guy look?

a) Fine. He was clearly showered and wearing clean
clothes, which is all that really matters to you.

b) Hot with a capital "H." He must have put a lot of
effort into getting ready for the date, which you
noticed - and appreciated.

c) Hmmm.... you didn't actually notice. You were too
busy planning your escape route.

d) Like a slob. His shirt was wrinkly and his hair was
doing that "bed-head" thing. But maybe that's the
look he was going for?


3. How about the date he planned? Were you impressed?

a) You had a drink in the neighborhood/grabbed dinner
in a low-key restaurant/etc. It didn't matter to you
that it wasn't extravagant, you were just enjoying
his company.

b) LAME - O! Bowling/A Movie/A Coffeehouse?!? He couldn't
have picked anything you'd be LESS interested in if he
tried.

c) Perfect. He knew that Thai food was your favorite,
and picked an amazing restaurant you'd never been to
before. You were blown away.

d) The date that HE planned?!? More like the date that
YOU planned! Well it would have been great if the
guy you were out with actually had a PULSE.


4. Now for the most important part: Conversation.
How'd that go?

a) Like...pulling...teeth.

b) Amazing. You talked about everything, and by the end
you were finishing each other's sentences like you'd
known each other for years.

c) You did most of the talking, but he was probably just
nervous. Hopefully he'll reciprocate more on the second
date.

d) The conversation flowed, but based on what you talked
about you're not sure you have much in common with one
another.


5) At the end of the night, how did you feel about the
possibility of a goodnight kiss?

a) Not exactly sure. You were hoping you'd have a "gut
feeling" in the moment if he tried to kiss you.

b) Heck no! You weren't letting that freak anywhere near
your lips. He's lucky you made it through dinner.

c) You were totally into the idea, hoping he'd try to
smooch you at the end of the night.

d) Goodnight kiss? You were making out after the second
round of drinks...and that was BEFORE dinner!


Scoring:

1. a = 6 b = 4 c = 2 d = 0

2. a = 4 b = 6 c = 0 d = 2

3. a = 4 b = 2 c = 6 d = 0

4. a = 0 b = 6 c = 4 d = 2

5. a = 2 b = 0 c = 6 d = 4


Now add your points from each question. If your total is:

22 - 30 ..... Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! This was a
great first date, at least from your point of
view. I don't need to tell you that if he asks
you on a second date, you should say yes!

14 - 21 ..... Potential dateability. There are so many factors
at play on a first date that can affect how you
see someone - his nerves, your nerves, unrealistic
expectations, preconceived notions, just to name a
few - so if you find yourself still interested in
this guy now that the night is over, take it as a
very good sign. This guy's got potential.

0 - 13 ..... Don't settle. Be honest with yourself - he didn't
grab your attention, hold your interest, or float
your boat, so don't waste any more of your time on
him. There are other great guys out there to focus
your energy on.

How you did you do? Did he pass in your eyes? If you'd like to find out what he thought, you can download Paige Parker's ebook for Part 2 of the quiz.

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Funny Relationship Pics And More and How To Get Your Ex Back

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You just have to love people who are in such denial that they can't see the forest for the trees don't you? People who think they're all that and a bag of chips and well...aren't. People who think that the world revolves around them when well...it doesn't. And, my personal favorite, people who think they are emotionally available and well...are so far away from it that it would take the world spinning off its axis to make it so.

NML, in Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, explains emotional unavailability like this:

When you experience someone who is emotionally unavailable it refers to their inability to access their emotions and their tendency to appear emotionally distant. This inability to connect effectively and healthily with themselves or others manifests itself in a variety of habits that perpetuate the unavailability by creating situations that allow them to remain unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people struggle with commitment. Whether they have to make the decision to put both feet into the relationship or take both feet out, emotionally unavailable people will struggle to do either one because they seem to exist in a limbo state that enables them to maintain the status quo.

NML knows her stuff. She told me once that if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a damn duck. And yet so many people who are emotionally unavailable see themselves as anything but a duck. In fact, they really believe they are ruler of the roost, king of jungle, lord of the manor.

There's a very good reason for that actually. You see, if you are not emotionally connected to yourself, and they're not, you simply cannot, or will not, see that unavailability. To see it, to admit it, would mean admitting that they are not all that and a bag of chips.

Then, they wouldn't be able to function in their world as they know it because it would be too uncomfortable. They would have to admit that they need to make changes and change sucks. It's hard. It's uncomfortable and it requires complete and total honesty about who and what you are.

The real truth of the matter is that someone who is emotionally unavailable is totally opposite of what they show the world. The are commitment phobic and suffer from low self esteem.

Let's look at these one by one.

The commitment phobe...
Commitment phobes are terrified of commitment at all costs. They are terrified of committing themselves to anything be it a relationship or to change. And don't let them fool you. Many of them have been or are married or in relationships. One assclown actually told me once that he knew he wasn't afraid of commitment because he had been married twice. So. I've been married 4 times. I was as commitment phobic as they come until I realized what my issues were and that I needed to make changes. In fact, being married 4 times probably helped me become commitment phobic. Marrieds who cheat? Completely unavailable and they're married.

The self esteem lacker...
Those who have a low self esteem are often those people who completely over value themselves to the world. It's kind of like bullies. Bullies bully because they don't feel good about themselves. EUMs bully in relationships. They choose fallback girls so they can jerk them around and feel good about themselves. It, emotionally unavailability, strokes their egos. NML says, "These men actually think they’re a good catch!" They "use, dismiss, and fall back" on women to give themselves an ego boost.

Many EUMs will make noise about how they couldn't possibly be emotionally unavailable. They are full of rationalizations and justifications. They may sometimes talk about changing, but talk is all it is. There is no walking the walk.

And yes, EUMs need fallback girls to operate. They couldn't do it successfully and for as long as they have without them. They don't function in isolation. But, of course, they'll blame it on the women because well...there couldn't possibly be anything wrong with them!

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