40s Singleness-Dating in Your 40s

In the Grey's Anatomy season finale last week, Meredith finally has a break-through where her mother is concerned. In the end she realizes that, when her mother tried to commit suicide over Richard leaving, she didn't really want to die. Even more importantly to Meredith, during that suicide attempt, when she told Meredith to be extraordinary, she didn't mean to be an extraordinary surgeon.

She meant for Meredith to be extraordinary in love. It took Meredith this long to figure it out, and once she did, she followed through in a big way. She went out and got "all whole and healed." She 'built' her and Derek's house complete with a room where their kids could play. A play where they could be extraordinary together.

My point here is that no matter the odds, no matter if you had a mother with unrealistic expectations of perfection or one who's narcissism left you feeling unimportant, there's hope. We can all go out and get "whole and healed." We can fight the demons left on our doorstep and go out to find that extraordinary love.

In the end, isn't that what we all really want? I mean seriously, raise your hand if, at the end of the episode, you didn't say, "That's what I want! I want extraordinary!" And, though some of us may believe extraordinary is the Holy Grail and maybe even that it doesn't even exist, the truth is that it does. It's out there. Somewhere.

Thoughts?

No, I'm not going to be your personal tutor when it comes to sex. And I'm certainly not the one to judge whether your sex life needs improvement. I am just going to say this: if your sex education depended on the obligatory video in 5th grade or, like mine, parents who said, "Here, read this," and handed you a cartoonish book filled with illustrations of dogs mating, then I may have found just what you need to spice things up. Hell, even if you had a real sex education, you gotta get this book!

Sex: How to do Everything is hands down the best how to guide out there. The authors, Em and Lo, have a chatty, no nonsense style that makes the book fun to read. And the pictures? Don't even get me started! I'll just use the words incredible, amazing, and over 300 live shots, and let your imaginations wander from there.

To give you an idea of what's inside, let's take a look at the introduction.

If it ruins sex for you to be told which sex toys might move the earth for you and will just irritate your sensitive bits, then go ahead and leave this book on the shelf. We're sure there's something in the gardening aisle for you. But as for the real mystery of sex--how an orgasm can make you forget your own name, how the best sex can feel like two souls merging, how sex with a complete stranger can sometimes free you to be yourself....well, we promise this book won't spoil any of it.

And can I just say, Em and Lo deliver on that promise. Not convinced? Check out the chapters.

1. Seduction
2. Anatomy & Orgasm
3. Manual Sex
4. Oral Sex
5. Intercourse
6. Anal Play
7. Sex Toys
8. Fantasy
9. Sexual Health

*Foreplay: "Foreplay is not an obligatory two minutes of making out..."
*Oral Sex: "Not counting Japanese rope bondage, going down is about as complicated as sex gets."
*Sex Toys: "If you still think sex toys are just for creepy men in trench coats, 'frigid' ladies, and losers who can't get a date, we'd like to invite you into the 21st century."

When commenting on yesterday's post, Lance wondered there's was no attraction on my part. The truth is there was that there were a couple of reasons.

I have to admit that the first was that I wasn't physically attracted to him. Don't get me wrong, he's not a bad looking guy. He has that typical Kansas homegrown, farm boy kind of look. That's not a bad thing. It's just not what I'm typically attracted to. But it was more than that. The boy has no style. He is a t-shirt, jeans, ball cap kind of guy. When we went out, he went in whatever he had been wearing all day. He never made an effort to dress to impress. The only time I ever saw him wearing anything but was the night of the ill-fated Christmas party, and that was only because something a little more formal was required.

Maybe more than the physical part of the equation was the man's attitude and mindset. Most of you know that the reason I prefer to date younger men is because of their spirit, their energy, their zest for life. All this guy was concerned about was marking time until retirement. I think he has the next 20 years counted down til he retires and buys a RV to travel. (UGH!) I'm sorry but that in itself was enough to turn me off. I believe in living every day to its fullest and enjoying the moments life has to offer.

Yes, we should be making plans for the future, but not simply marking time until we get there. He has no goals, no drive, no focus. He simply shows up for work every day and does what he does until it's time to go home. I believe in loving what you do and having a passion for it. Anything else is boring and unattractive.

In some ways he was very closed minded as is typical of your Kansas homegrown, farm boy type guys. He bordered on racist and homophobic. I teach English as a Second Language and all of my students are immigrants...some legal, some not. They are very close to my heart and I completely understand their choice to come to the United States. He actually emailed me a horrid joke about immigrants at one point that I couldn't even believe! Really? Of all the people you know, you're going to send that crap to me!

Now, truth be told, some of things didn't show up in conversation until later in the friendship. But the attitude toward life and how to live it were apparent from the very first meet. Even if he had been a dead ringer for Johnny Depp, I wouldn't have been attracted.

Thoughts?

An interesting discussion came up over at Eve-101 yesterday. Trista posted an answer to a reader question which involved a girl who had met a really nice guy. Even though he was uber nice and treated her with respect, she just wasn't feeling a sexual attraction and wanted to know if she should cut him loose.

Here's a short excerpt from Trista's response:

But don’t worry, sweetie. Of course your feelings are going to change and that attraction is going to develop and change…and what was once a mild indifference will develop into a deep repulsion over time.

Want to be featured on Wordless Wednesday Eye Candy? Just email your picture to me and you too can be WWEC!

*Note: I have no idea of the source of this pic. I received it in an email from a friend (yes, she is a good friend). If you have ownership of the picture, please email me so that I can give credit where credit is due.