Lisaq Does Dallas-The Afterward...
If you missed Parts I, II, & The Final Thoughts, you can read them here: Lisaq Does Dallas-Part I, Lisaq Does Dallas-Part II, Lisaq Does Dallas-The Final Thoughts. And be sure to read Eathan's posts as well: Lisaq finally meets Eathan
, Sexual Tension Builds, and Mambo Taxis and Corona's.
The thing is that there has been so much more going on for me behind the scenes. Things I hadn't felt comfortable posting until now. Things I needed to think through and try to understand. And, the truth is, I still don't understand it all but I have wrapped my brain around some of it.
I'll begin by saying that Eathan was disappointed in my posting. He felt as if I wrote only shallow references to what he wrote, and perhaps he's right. I tried to write what I felt comfortable with at the time.
But more than that I tried to write with respect and consideration for his feelings. I was hesitant to write what I was feeling because I didn't want to write negative posts. I was trying to spare feelings and it left him feeling cheated.
So, all of that being said, I will give you a more insightful glimpse into my trip to Dallas. Bear in mind that these are MY feelings and impressions and, as such, they are only one perspective. Also realize that I am not trying to bash or flame Eathan. I am only trying to describe my own feelings.
I'll begin all of this by saying that our time together Saturday night and Sunday morning was incredible! Eathan was the perfect date. He was that guy you dream of going out with. He was attentive and funny. His body language and his manner said he wanted to be with me. There was a lot of hand holding, hands on thighs (and other body parts), and kissing.
I think I used the words mind-blowing when I described the sex and indeed it was. I'm still not going to go into intimate detail here, but I will tell you that I felt very connected to him and that it was an experience like I've never had before.
Next morning we lounged in bed and it was very comfortable. I still felt very connected. The intimate moments shared that morning were wonderful and, when he took me back to the hotel to get ready for our day, I was in a spectacular place.
I was very pleased by the way things had progressed. I was on cloud nine cliche as that sounds. I knew that I was in that perfect place. That place that would allow me to return to Map Dot with a smile on my face.
Sadly, the tide turned for me. Eathan returned to pick G & I up for our Sunday lunch and evening at Duke's. During lunch, I felt a shift in Eathan's interaction with me. He was less attentive. Though there were a few moments when he touched my leg or put his arm around me, I didn't feel at all as if he were focused on me.
My mind began spinning as I tried to figure out what the hell had happened. Yesterday, I posted in the Shot at Love Finale post two questions Tila asked. Why? What am I doing wrong?
I began to try to figure out what had happened in those few hours between the time he dropped me off and arrived to pick us up. My mind kept going to that 'what did I do wrong' place. Had I done something to turn him off? Was it something I said, something I did?
When we arrived at Duke's, the feelings remained. He seemed almost aloof. I felt as if I were just another girl at the bar and not his date. What had begun as the perfect date began to spin into worst date territory for me.
Later in the evening he did begin interacting with me more. There was a little more touching and and little more conversation. We left Duke's, went to Whataburger and then back to his place.
It had been a long couple of days. We were both tired. Eathan, in his way, tried to talk to me about how I felt about the night before. Now I will tell you that talking about my feelings is very difficult for me. It's something I struggle with on a daily basis. I try to do my best, but old beliefs and interactions make it very difficult.
Add to that the fact that I didn't perceive the questions he was asking as a discussion of feelings and emotions and things did not go well. He was trying to talk about feelings and emotions; I felt as if he wanted to analyze the sex. I felt pressured and pushed and, though I know that's not what he intended, it caused me to clam up. Finally, we both went to sleep.
The next morning the intimate moments were dissatisfying for me. I felt completely disconnected from him and my brain was in overdrive spinning out of control. I was still trying to figure out what the hell had happened.
When I left Dallas, I was not in a good place and I have spent the week trying to wrap my brain around it all. I couldn't figure out how we went from the most incredible date ever to 'oh my god what just happened here' in what seemed like just a few hours. I felt a shift in those few hours on Sunday and I felt like we never got back to where we were before.
I felt, and still feel, that he pulled away from me. Perhaps I misread or there were other things going on. I don't know. I just know that things did not end in the way I had hoped. I am still trying to come to terms with that.
Please understand that I am not trying in any way to paint Eathan in a negative light. I'm not. I'm only trying to give you my feelings and impressions many of which I am still struggling to figure out.
Thoughts?
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