Communication Barriers in Dating & Relationships
Though we all know how important communication is in dating & relationships, there are times when one or the other partner may have difficulties communicating. It doesn't mean that partner doesn't want to communicate; it just means it something they struggle to do. Many times it has nothing to do with their partner. Rather, it may be because of old beliefs from their past. I am one of those people.
Growing up I was not given the opportunity to express my feelings. They were not considered important. On the few occasions when I tried to do so, I was dismissed or even demeaned. Thus, I learned to keep my feelings to myself.
This pattern which began in childhood continued in my adult relationships. I chose men who didn't value or respect me or my opinions and feelings. If I managed to talk about my feelings, those feelings were pushed aside or ridiculed.
Fast forward 20something years, and you find a girl who has an extremely difficult times expressing her feelings in her relationships with men. The crazy part of the whole thing is that I can sit and talk about my feelings with my daughters or my closest girlfriends, but put a man in front of me that I care about and it becomes something akin to poking my own eyes out.
Everything I want to say is in my head spinning around and around. My stomach tightens and fills with mammoth sized butterflies and nothing comes out of my mouth. The words either just sit there spinning around in my brain or they flat out disappear.
It is more difficult for me than I can even explain. Never even mind the frustration. It registers about 9.5 on the Richter scale causing devastating
consequences.
I have tried very hard to overcome this obstacle as I fully understand the importance of being able to express my feelings in relationships. I get it. I have finally reached the point where I can explain why it's so difficult for me, but I seemed to have plateaued.
So how to fix it? Well, I know what doesn't work. Pressure and pushing. When I am in such a conversation with a man, and my mind feels he is pressuring me or pushing me to talk, I clam up even more. My brain becomes very stubborn and digs its heels in. If there were words in there spinning around, they disappear. The same problem occurs if the man seems cold and uncaring or even impatient.
So, again, how to fix it? I really believe it comes down to finding the right man to be able to draw my feelings out. A friend of mine recently said that it takes a strong man to deal with her and I thought to myself, "Yep. Me too." Except that, in my case, it's going to take more than strength.
It is going to take a man who is empathetic, caring, and compassionate. He will also need to be patient. Rather than pushing and pressuring me into talking, he will need to use the right combination of prompting and care.
In other words, I will need to feel safe and secure in the relationship and will need to know that, when my feelings are expressed, they will be received with respect and will be valued.
It's why I am able to talk to my girls and my close friends. I know that whatever I say or how ever I feel, they are going to understand and won't devalued or dismiss.
Thoughts?
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